So the staff on Saturday pushed me to make the now famous recipe Boeuf Bourguignon.

Why is Streep on the cover?

Not quite sure if the Boeuf Bourguignon is famous because of Julia Child or Julie (from that movie Julie and Julia). I hope to the new generations of chefs and foodies that Julia Child was the real deal. In fact, my line chefs were talking about how they used to watch Julia on TV and how entertaning she was. Definitely deserves more credit than some of the schmucks on TV these days.

But apparently, the Boeuf Bourguignon is a complex dish that can cause your dishwasher to slash your tires. See here, French dishes often require mis en place out the wazooo…which I am OK with (right Alton? “organization will set you free”).

So lets break it down for those who need to see the handy work.

Step-1: I browned the meat. Check

Browned meat

Step-2: As you can see, it wasnt’ cooked all the way through. There was some red in the meat.

Yes, you can see red

Step-3: Throw some carrots and onions in the pot to melt…bringing all the savory flavors together.

Mis en place in.

Step-4: after mis en place melted, place Boeuf back in the pot w/ all the juices.

Bring your meat back in

Step-5: Now tomato paste, red wine, herbs….basically everyone to the pool!

Everyone in!

Step-6: Simmer for 1.5 hours. Ahem (insert my opinion here-not part of recipe) Seriously?  1.5 hours? It takes me 30 seconds to brush my teeth, 4 minutes to shower, and 60 seconds for a #2. What angry Frenchman is going to wait 1.5 hours?!? Alright, I’ll have some burbon to pass the time.

Simmer 1.5 hours?

Step-7: Mix around frequently (which to me is every 30 minutes). Why yes, I’ll have my 4th glass of burbon please…yes neat.

simmer more

Step-8: Check and simmer again for another 1.5 hours…aka another burbon please.

Step-9: Now that you are fuzzy and swaying, take your camera and take REALLY close pictures of the food. Check.

sautee vegis to add

Step-10: Mistakenly add 4 times the amount of butter to the vegis that have been sauteed. Pearl onions, quartered mushrooms, and carrots. Oui.

sautee action

Step-11: Exclaim wildly that the butter was a mistake. Say out loud, “Oh la la! Impossible!” and flail your arms wildly like a Frenchman. Quickly mix the butter in before someone notices.

Step-12: Mutter incomprehensible French words like “La salle de bain” and “liberte frites” while taking a long drag from your cigarette in the dark corner. Your arms crossed in a French disdain for life as you remember your childhood in the old country when life was tres simple. Crusty bread and stinky cheeses mean nothing to you now that snotty Whole Foods suburbanites can get this stuff every day. A long breath in and a sigh of better times when your croissants could only be found at la patisserie…not from “Burger King”.

Step-13: Straighten your beret.

Step-14: Realize that you may have had too much burbon which could affect service to the patrons.

Step-15: Secretly look around the kitchen. Maybe no one has noticed your awkward swaying from side to side. Quickly shout out “Viva la France!” to cover your inebriation.

Step-16: Sway side to side as you hum your new favorite song “Les Poissons” by that French Chef who you once met at at le cafe.

Zut alors! I have missed one!

Step-17: Mix the sautee and Boeuf together and slop on place covering more than half the plate. C’est brun oui?

Step-18: Scoop small spoonful of English peas on plate for color and fill the vegi requirement. Mutter something mean about those English chaps.

Bouef Bourguignon from QuarryLaneFarms

Step-19: Adjust your French scarf around your neck.

Step-19: Service to your patrons.

Step-20: Start to hate deoderant.

Step-21: Give dirty Frenchman looks to the female waitresses. Make them feel dirty…Frenchman dirty. Stroke your pencil thin stash that you grew in the last 20 minutes and ponder a name change to “Fornication Francois”. Oh la la.

Step-22: Get into your Pleugot (2 french baguettes in the back seat) and beep your horn twice as you ride away into the night shouting “Au revoir!”.

Merci Madame Julia-

J’adore la livre. Je bu le vin et je suis tres joyeaux. C’est magnificent Boeuff Bourguignon! Tres simple oui?

Sincerement-

Chef Fornication Francois

livre - How the book should look. Thanks Julia

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