The best what?   

The best burger in the world can be found at W&M Burger in Honolulu. The best perogi in the world can be found at Sokolowski’s in Cleveland. But the best gyros ever? That’s right, call your fat Uncle Derwin cause you’re going to Cleveland’s West Side Market to get one of these HUGE gyros from a place called Steve’s Gyros.   

Here at QuarryLaneFarms, we have been waiting to post this since we heard Adam Richman of Travel Channel’s Man vs. Food show was in town about 8 months ago. It was a cold winter day as we were thrilled to hear Richman cruising at Cleveland’s West Side Market.   

Heaven's pearly whites = Steve's Gyro stand

Also funny as we were trying to negotiate for Adam to stop by for a quick “lite” Hawaii breakfast of Portuguese Sausage, Eggs, and rice. Sadly, after his 5lbs in 45 minutes devouring of Melt’s challenge, alas he was full. Nice job Melt.   

Now don’t be fooled by the simple nondescript counter at Steve’s Gyros. The most unassuming places like this usually serve the best food ever. No gimmicks, no fanfare, no sparklers, etc…just the best gyros in the world.   

Ordering is simple. Regular or large. Cash only. Simple right?   

Your regular gyro comes wrapped tightly in double foil (first sign of awesomeness).   

As you trudge your way to the upper deck at the Cleveland’s West Side Market toting your 2 lbs of reflective love, people smile at you as they know the journey you are about to partake.   

Waiting for a ledge to open up your mouth waters…food and a view of food.   

Finally some fat ass decides to leave (post his gyro) and you snatch his piece of hard concrete overlooking the vast expanse of local markets…the world continues on below you for your meal entertainment. Your gyro still awaits patiently.   

Gyro and a view

As you unwrap this piece of awesomeness, you see at least 1.5 lbs of meat..that’s right one and a half pounds of meat. You verify in your own fat mind that you ordered the “regular” one and laugh heartily because this is the best deal ever.   

Behold, the best gyro ever

A pinch of lettuce, 2 slices of tomato, and white onions make the bed of this gyro…veggies make it “healthy” right? (not).   

Then comes their special tzatziki sauce. Made with sour cream and brunoised cucumbers…this binding sauce is heavenly. Slightly lighter than its real deal counterpart with all creamy heavy goat cheese (clumps up), this lighter more viscous tzatziki sauce is TONS better than any other Dancing Zorba sauce we’ve had because it permeates everything.   

Well buttered Pita bread barely holds does not hold this gyro together.   

Now the meat isn’t lamb – It is beef seasoned with special greek herbs and spices (probably a tribute to Cleveland as it has been named most recently as one of the manliest cities in the US). The spits rotate slowly and they shave pound after pound for just one regular gyro. The meat is so tender, soft, juicy, and yet on the outside pieces, slightly crispy. Perfect. So perfect that you lean over, bitch slap the construction worker next to you cause you can’t believe it. He allows your slap and agrees with your meat assessment.   

Close up of the gyro

Note: for the above picture, I had to push more than half the meat to the side so I could get a cross-section of everything.   

Start chanting...meat-meat-meat-meat-meat

Your first bite is pure bliss with shaved meat, special sauce, crisp lettuce, the bite of onion and the soft warm pita make this the one-handed wonder. It is messy…real messy….first second third year of marriage embarrassing. The wafer thin napkins provided are good for one pass only…so grab handfuls.   

Messy...just how you like it

As you try to negotiate this gigantic mass, you realize that it is impossible to daintily manage this operation and you start to take bites from top down to try to minimize the blowout factor. Rest assured that this special tzatziki sauce helps bind everything together. Mmmmmmmm.   

Tzatziki-the sauce that brings families together

After 10 minutes of work, you realize you are 25% there.   

Buck up Buttercup! You're not even half way there!

20 minutes pass, your pants unbuckled, your sweaty ass sliding off of the concrete “seats”, you realize you can see the finish line. At this point, everything has gone awry. All pieces have fallen out, you are trying to salvage everything, but you realize that such goodness can’t be contained. You are content with the last oversized bite of the best gyro in the world.   

Unbutton your pants now, cause you're almost there...

With sauce smeared all over your face, your pants unbuttoned, sweat beading from your forehead, and your thrashed post-sex glowing mess you have going on, the pinnacle of gyro heaven has been achieved…and Steve has popped your gyro cherry.   

Don’t forget to plan 2 hours after to allow for the post meal /post sex / afternoon snooze (or kanack attack).   

Need a cigarette?

So get yourself to Cleveland’s West Side Market and stand in line at Steve’s Gyros. You won’t be disappointed.   

Also they are replaying Adam Richman’s Man vs Food on the Travel Channel all week so check out the Cleveland episode!   

Reporting live from QuarryLaneFarms

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