Since we were back for a few days, we decided to attempt some homemade pasta.

Please note: We’ve never made our own noodles ever. So this was going to be….er…..fun.
Step-1: clean countertop

As clean as it gets...

Step-2: get a decent sized food processor

Not as big as my wang, but it'll do

Step-3: The use of AP flour (not just for antiquing people)

Flour...more uses than the described application in the "Pretty When I'm Drunk" song

Step-4: measure exactly

Exactly? We rarely do anything "exactly"

Step-5: mixamixa w/ salt

mixamixa

Step-6: pour in well beaten egg

Eggslut

Step-7: into moist pliable dough ball

Moist like your sister...

Step-8: Rest for 30.

Resting...so time to pour some bourbon

So basically we want semi thin strips like this

Kinda want this...

Step-9: roll out dough. Clearly a pasta press or hand crank would have been ideal, but after 5 glasses of bourbon, we weren’t thinking clearly.

Press.....

Step-10: cut into even strips (again, too much bourbon will not help)

Bourbon = drunken knife work #onthedottedline

Step-11: toss lightly with flour (Note: At this point, we’re on our 8th glass of bourbon).

toss her salad...I mean lightly with flour

Step-12: boil water. Throw some salt in it too. No oil (save that for the bedroom).

How to boil water...

Step-13: we opted to test the time frame of fresh pasta boiling. From left to right, 1-minute, 2-minutes, 3-minutes, 4-minutes, 5-minutes, 6-minutes, and 7-minutes.

Minute tests on al dente pasta (your results will vary on personal tastes and altitude)

As you can see, our optimal time to boil fresh made pasta is between 3-4 minutes.

Step-14: Everyone in the pool.

All in to the pool

Step-15: Make sure water is boiling (duh).

All in with boiling water!

Step-16: stir frequently to get even boil. Then drain in colander

Mixamixa then drain

Step-17: get so close that it fogs the camera up (I blame the bourbon).

Foggy...or is it the bourbon talking...

Step-18: throw into bowl. drizzle w/ olive oil and parmesan.

In a bowl....ready for....

Step-19: Muncha.

So it wasn’t the best. I think we had too much AP flour. Or we mixed it too long. Or we didn’t let it rest. Or we should have used 00 flour. Let’s be honest, we fucked it up.

Insert 10th glass of bourbon.

Instead of reassessing our situation, and improving it, we drunkenly think it’s better to move toward ravioli.

Steps-1 thru 9 are basically the same as above.

Step-10: strips about the width of your Kate Moss skinny forearm. Place a glob of sautéed meat/veggies apart from each other.

Laying it out....

Step-11: lay an equal width of pasta dough on top of initial layer.

Tops on

Step-12: Cut to separate each ravioli.

Lift and separate...I mean just separate

Step-13: Crimp the edges w/ a fork. Try to do so without being so drunk. Well….so much for that.

#WTH

Basically looks like we #forkfucked this poor ravioli. This is where we started our 11th glass of bourbon. Frustrated and more drinking.

Step-14: Lets stuff more into these raviolis. Maybe that will help. Why not? They won’t notice.

Stuff it!

Step-15: again #Forkfuck these raviolis too. Sadly, it looked like I tried to do this with a large pitchfork. Sadly, it was just my drunken stupor w/ a dinner fork.

Again with the bad crimping job

Step-16: boil for 4 minutes.

Put it in...

Step-17: make some kind of butter sauce w/ onions butter, and oregano. Plop it on the lone tester ravioli.

smother it!

Step-18: get the close up food porn view so that everyone can see how bad these are…

Looks like one of the Real Housewives of Assville's vagina after a night of thrashing #forkfucked

Step-19: get another close up food porn view of the butter sauce.

Sauce? Kinda....

Step-20: More close up views of the #forkfucked ravioli (clearly in retrospect, I could have used more moisture…but I was drunk and didn’t notice that).

More moist would have help...in the ravioli

Step-21: drop more into non boiling water (didn’t notice cause I was drunk).

all in the pool again

Step-22: Obviously, filler was over cooked, interior cheese wasn’t melted. Lets showcase our ravioli failure with a closeup shot. (12th glass of bourbon).

over-under = failed ravioli

Well, at least we had Garlic french bread.

So to review this major ROYAL screw up, no homemade pasta from us/by us for a long while. Yuck it up folks-cause. this. was. #fail.

Besides, I have a headache from all the bourbon.

Bourbon on the pasta/ravioli assist...

Reporting live from the QuarryLaneFarms homemade pasta #fail blog….

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