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First off, thanks to Food Network for ruining the name “Iron Chef”.

Now I think marketers just screw things up.

Iron Chef my ass…more like “Wafer-thin Parchment Paper Chef”

Iron Chef Sauces? WTF people!?!?!?

Because I’m pretty sure any of the Iron Chefs want to be associated with the sauces in these bottles.

“Iron Chef K”? Which one was that?

Or maybe the Fatty-Batty-Boom-Ba-Latty Snapple Chick thought, “Oh, maybe we’ll try to bottle some Asian sauces too.”

Bleh.

Don’t buy this stuff cause it makes you look stupid.

Besides, you can make this on your own.

It’s Monday – stop screwing around with the water filter in the ice machine and get back to work.

Is that helping to cool you down?

Please.

Reporting live from QuarryLaneFarms…

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To round out our “Tour de Bruell”, we visited Table 45 (@TBL45).

Tour de  Bruell consists of L’Abatross, Chinato, Parallax and Table 45…And yes, it’s more neato to say “Tour de Bruell” than “the restaurants that Zack owns”

Initial hallway into Table 45

Now Table 45 is more like a bistro located at the bottom floor of the Cleveland Clinic Intercontinential Hotel, a fairly nice modern interior.

Entrance into Table 45 (WTH is North Coast Cafe?)

As you valet your car, you walk into a beautiful marble floor walkway…most likely remnants from a former restaurant Classics, this larger than life map exudes decadence unseen in Cleveland…espically at 100th st and Carnegie Ave. Awwwwkward.

Unnecessary decadence in Cleveland

BTW-don’t be early as their “waiting room” is almost like the psych room at your local ER.

Waiting area aka psych room

But luckly, the restaurant was relatively empty for a Friday evening.

Cricket cricket

Drink orders were taken immediately and despite the waitress not knowing what bourbons are stocked, I now understand why.

Just a few cabinets of stuff to know

Menus and complimentary bread was nice, esp these dipping dishes which allowed you to titrate the amount of oil on your bread. Great planning and bonus points on the grated square dish.

A great dish for oil and bread

Edamame served steamed with salt-$4

Edamame

Can’t really screw up edamame huh?

Escolar (Super White Tuna)- $5

Super white tuna

This was definitely super white. Delicious!

Unagi (Fresh Water Eel) – $6

Unagi!

Note: As our readers know, this is our marker for sushi at any restaurant. Good…but needed a bit more crisping on the torching and alot less sauce. Technically, the sauce should be gently brushed on…not doused.

Saucy

Mussel and saffron chowder-$8

Mussel and saffron chowder

This was just OK. I could clearly see the four mussels that were placed in the chowder. Dear Zach-n-ator: Saffron is so delicate! Why would you pair such a robust bivalve with such a delicate flower? Either you hate saffron or your favorite children are mussels. Overall, I’ve had better chowder.

Duck confit: Duck confit atop a bed of spinach tossed in a cherry vinaigrette with candied cashews, pickled red onions and tart cherries – $12

Duck confit salad

This salad was inconsistent by all our guests on our table. One plate got candied cashews, one didn’t, one plate never saw the cherry vinaigrette, etc…seriously, who’s expiditing at Table 45? When we correctly portioned and all ingredients from various plates, the salad was delicious. The different textures of sweet salty crunchy nuts to soft tart cherries was great. We wished that each dish had all hands correctly plating for our entire table. If it matches the description, I’d definitely order again.

Personal note: I don’t like the plates.

Say my name bitch!

Signature plates = weird. I liken this special plate to tattooing my name above my dick to remind the girl who’s blowing me of my name.

Ahem.

Chinese Style noodles: Chinese style noodles with BBQ pork, tossed in a Chinese black vinegar sauce with garlic oil and scallions – $18

Insulting?

Three easy points on this dish:

1. Oversauced and over powering, I assure you, the heavy-handed Chef on the line at this station IS NOT Chinese. By the 7th bite, our lips were puckering from all the sauce.

2. When serving dishes with chopsticks pile-driven masted straight up and down in the food(like the sword in the stone), it is a sign of death to your customer. No matter where you are, it is an insult to serve Asian food like this. Ni hao-make some Asian friends.

3. Zacky-poo…just call it Hoisin. They sell it in Giant Eagle.

Butternut Squash Ravioli: Butternut Squash and Truffle Ravioli with Sage Creamed Spinach and toasted hazelnuts, drizzled with balsamic reduction and white truffle oil – $18.

Ravioli - Mmmmm

The best dish of the evening as this ravioli was delicious and incredibly flavorful. Also appreciated the simple balsamic reduction and truffle oil. Really great stuff.

Lobster meatballs and Fettuccine: Lobster meatballs with fettuccine bell peppers shaved fennel tarragon and fried shallots tossed in a tomato and chardonnay creme sauce – $24

Lobsta!

Whoa. Lobster meatballs?

Various sushi – various prices

Sushi

Surprisingly, Zack-a-muffin’s sushi was good.

Hai!

Glad to see an actual Asian chef behind the sushi bar. Kudos on that.

Speaking of rice – “Sticky rice” – $6

Sticky rice should be sticky right?

Yes on rice, no on sticky, and not worth $6 for a side. NEXT!

Braised pork: Braised pork with a bacon and chihuahua cheese stuffed potato coquette, haricot vert and charred tomato sauce – $21.

Braised pork - bleh

The meat was unseasoned as the pork tasted as it was braised in a pot of water for an hour. As you can see, the sauce was used to cover up “seasoned” pork (if it at all seasoned). Yo Zack, suburban mom’s have made better braised pork with a crock pot…get in the game son!

Clearly not braised and not seasoned. Blah

Embarrassingly enough, your godzilla sized coquette was the same size as your pork. The advertised bacon was MIA and the delicate chihuahua cheese was lost in the fray of the burnt tomto sauce. Speaking of sauces, this sauce should not be spoken of ever again. Burn something else. Now unless Chef Bruell has some limp dick syndrome, these are NOT how his haricot verts were intended.

Isn't there a cure for limp dick syndrome?

Limp, soggy and cold – I’ve seen more wood at a nursing home! Of course contrast is definitely nice, but again, timing is key in plating…and the expiditer should be held accountable.

Our dessert? We ordered ice cream and hose made sorbet. After what seemed to be 25 minutes, our waitress casually walked back and informed me that they have run out of vanilla ice cream. I said to her not to worry and cancel the order. She exclaimed that they have already plated the guava.

***Ice cream break: How can you run out of vanilla ice cream? WTF peeps?!!?!??! Cold hard fact-vanilla ice cream is still the most popular flavor ordered.***

I again said to cancel the dessert order. Her offer of free cup of coffee was nice.

Our waitress was incredibly friendly, but needed an assist from Boobs McGee (the Manager) when figuring our bill. Sheeeesh.

But in true form, since Table 45 has not updated their twitter since July 12, 2010 or his TBL45 blog on December 14th, 2010, – I highly doubt that Zack or his team will read this within a month.

So raise a glass lads as I can now easily say that Table 45 likes it limp.

Reporting live from QuarryLaneFarms…

Is it just me or does it bother anyone else that main stream chefs are veering away from cooking their own specialities? 

Lets take for example the biggest sell out, Emeril. 

Emeril Lagasse

I get that you are from New Orleans…cool. 

I get that you like to cook Portuguese style dishes….sweet. 

I get that you proudly support all cuisine/chefs from Louisiana…awesome. 

Emeril's in New Orleans

But for crying out loud-leave Chinese, Japanese, Korean…basically anything Asian to chefs who really cook Asian food! 

Real deal Iron Chef Morimoto

I’m just saying… 

I get your attempts at the popularity thing. Firefighters are cool…I understand 

Firefighter helmet + Emeril = lame

I even understand you selling out. BAM meals?!?   

Look at Anthony Bourdain-he funds his high blood pressure additiction with an superimposed Chase Saphire card (For those that don’t know-This “well placed credit card” infects his No Reservation show like a case of crabs at the community college sorority. Skanks).

Do you think he says BAM! when he gets his prostate checked?

But seriously, stick to the stuff that made you famous. 

What the hell is "ASIAN" essence?!?

Do I sell tampons with my name and face on them? 

Douche.

Reporting live from QuarryLaneFarms