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Happy Mundays people – Get your TPS reports done!

Checked out Sweet Moses (@sweetmoses) located in the burgeoning Detroit Shoreway area of Cleveland.

Chalk menus at Sweet Moses

Old time soda jerk shop/ice cream parlor with some great decor!

The real deal with soda jerks - check out those syrups!

And if you think I’m a jerk for calling them “jerks”, you need to google search “Soda jerk“.

Jerk that soda water!

And I confirm that Sweet Moses’ ice cream sundae – do indeed come with a pretzel. Freaky deeky.

Ice cream sundae w/ pretzel

Gigantic barrel for their genuine made in-house root beer on the ready…so I HAD to order a root beer float.

Root beer barrel staunchly providing oversight at Sweet Moses

The classic root beer float was served in a frosty glass – NICE! Ice cream was great. The old guy behind the counter said their coolers are antique and hold the temps at a slightly higher temperature…thus the slightly softer ice cream. I kinda like it.

Sweet Moses Classic Root Beer Float

The homemade root beer soda was OK. To me, it didn’t have much “bite” – but hey, we love the decor!

As the Spring? Summer? Fall? ….look, whatever weather we have here in Cleveland we suggest you stop by after your dinner for some well deserved ice cream.

Just another great reason to love the CLE (which should include the full Cleve too).

Reporting live from QuarryLaneFarms…

For those that missed dinner last night at The Greenhouse (@thegreenhouse) in Cleveland…and if you did, sign up for the Twitter!

Many mahalos to Food & Wine’s Best New Chef – Chef Jonathan Sawyer and his crews for their work. Awesome!

Yes, we have talked about Chef Sawyer and one of our favorite Cleveland restaurant The Greenhouse Tavern a bunch before….so to help your memory:

Loud and hilarious – the Greenhouse Tavern Chef Sawyer and his gravy frites

the-brioche-had-sex-with-a-chicken-in-a-field-of-ramps-thegreenhouse

celebrity-sunday-with-chef-obi-wan-chef-teddy-bear-and-chefswidow

Devils-foie-clams-animal-style-frites-thegreenhouse #isitlunchyet

Lots of celebrity Chefs in Ohio for VeggieU @theChefsGarden 

Last night – What did we order? Why? Foodporn? Since most of you don’t like reading a TON…Of course we have the money shots for you today….

Devils on Horseback w/ Dee-Jay's bacon wrapped dates, almonds, bitter chocolate & roasted Fresno pepper

Foie Gras Steamed Clams w/ butter, red onion brulee, late harvest viognier vinegar & grilled bread

Hand Ground Beef Tartar Frites w/ pommes frites, egg, salted red jalapeno, Dijon mustard crostini & cornichon relish.Here's the money shot of the rosemary frites - In. Love. With. Them.

Fifth Quarter w/ tasty bits.....aka...Classic english deviled egg w/ shaved beef tongue

Well pipped with yolks and "bits" - Mayor @JoeG2001 approved

Duck Pasta w/ Ohio apples, strozzapreti pasta, pecorino peppato, duck livers, roasted red onion, duck skin cracklings & toasted breadcrumbs

Carbonara Style Frites w/ pommes frites, black pepper, pecorino cheese, poached eggs & pancetta pepato

Here's your @thegreenhouse Carbonara Pommes Frites money shot

Roasted Pigs Head w/ shrimp paste BBQ, raw vegetable salad, shallot mignonette, lemon wedges & lettuce cups

(In your best Gossip Girl voice) Oink me bitches...

Now we thought the skin or the chicharone was the piece de resistance in this dish. Sadly, the skin was soft and not crispy. Maybe we were dreaming of the Pork Highway again (Puerto Rico).

Peel back the Pig's Head skin and fat, and you find delicious juicy pork....

Juicy cheek meat #moneyshot

And of course we ordered dessert too…

Semifreddo (like kid time ice cream sandwich)

Who else loves an ice cream sandwich?

Again, thanks to Chef Jonathon Sawyer and staff for another outstanding meal last night.

Reporting live from QuarryLaneFarms….

To round out our “Tour de Bruell”, we visited Table 45 (@TBL45).

Tour de  Bruell consists of L’Abatross, Chinato, Parallax and Table 45…And yes, it’s more neato to say “Tour de Bruell” than “the restaurants that Zack owns”

Initial hallway into Table 45

Now Table 45 is more like a bistro located at the bottom floor of the Cleveland Clinic Intercontinential Hotel, a fairly nice modern interior.

Entrance into Table 45 (WTH is North Coast Cafe?)

As you valet your car, you walk into a beautiful marble floor walkway…most likely remnants from a former restaurant Classics, this larger than life map exudes decadence unseen in Cleveland…espically at 100th st and Carnegie Ave. Awwwwkward.

Unnecessary decadence in Cleveland

BTW-don’t be early as their “waiting room” is almost like the psych room at your local ER.

Waiting area aka psych room

But luckly, the restaurant was relatively empty for a Friday evening.

Cricket cricket

Drink orders were taken immediately and despite the waitress not knowing what bourbons are stocked, I now understand why.

Just a few cabinets of stuff to know

Menus and complimentary bread was nice, esp these dipping dishes which allowed you to titrate the amount of oil on your bread. Great planning and bonus points on the grated square dish.

A great dish for oil and bread

Edamame served steamed with salt-$4

Edamame

Can’t really screw up edamame huh?

Escolar (Super White Tuna)- $5

Super white tuna

This was definitely super white. Delicious!

Unagi (Fresh Water Eel) – $6

Unagi!

Note: As our readers know, this is our marker for sushi at any restaurant. Good…but needed a bit more crisping on the torching and alot less sauce. Technically, the sauce should be gently brushed on…not doused.

Saucy

Mussel and saffron chowder-$8

Mussel and saffron chowder

This was just OK. I could clearly see the four mussels that were placed in the chowder. Dear Zach-n-ator: Saffron is so delicate! Why would you pair such a robust bivalve with such a delicate flower? Either you hate saffron or your favorite children are mussels. Overall, I’ve had better chowder.

Duck confit: Duck confit atop a bed of spinach tossed in a cherry vinaigrette with candied cashews, pickled red onions and tart cherries – $12

Duck confit salad

This salad was inconsistent by all our guests on our table. One plate got candied cashews, one didn’t, one plate never saw the cherry vinaigrette, etc…seriously, who’s expiditing at Table 45? When we correctly portioned and all ingredients from various plates, the salad was delicious. The different textures of sweet salty crunchy nuts to soft tart cherries was great. We wished that each dish had all hands correctly plating for our entire table. If it matches the description, I’d definitely order again.

Personal note: I don’t like the plates.

Say my name bitch!

Signature plates = weird. I liken this special plate to tattooing my name above my dick to remind the girl who’s blowing me of my name.

Ahem.

Chinese Style noodles: Chinese style noodles with BBQ pork, tossed in a Chinese black vinegar sauce with garlic oil and scallions – $18

Insulting?

Three easy points on this dish:

1. Oversauced and over powering, I assure you, the heavy-handed Chef on the line at this station IS NOT Chinese. By the 7th bite, our lips were puckering from all the sauce.

2. When serving dishes with chopsticks pile-driven masted straight up and down in the food(like the sword in the stone), it is a sign of death to your customer. No matter where you are, it is an insult to serve Asian food like this. Ni hao-make some Asian friends.

3. Zacky-poo…just call it Hoisin. They sell it in Giant Eagle.

Butternut Squash Ravioli: Butternut Squash and Truffle Ravioli with Sage Creamed Spinach and toasted hazelnuts, drizzled with balsamic reduction and white truffle oil – $18.

Ravioli - Mmmmm

The best dish of the evening as this ravioli was delicious and incredibly flavorful. Also appreciated the simple balsamic reduction and truffle oil. Really great stuff.

Lobster meatballs and Fettuccine: Lobster meatballs with fettuccine bell peppers shaved fennel tarragon and fried shallots tossed in a tomato and chardonnay creme sauce – $24

Lobsta!

Whoa. Lobster meatballs?

Various sushi – various prices

Sushi

Surprisingly, Zack-a-muffin’s sushi was good.

Hai!

Glad to see an actual Asian chef behind the sushi bar. Kudos on that.

Speaking of rice – “Sticky rice” – $6

Sticky rice should be sticky right?

Yes on rice, no on sticky, and not worth $6 for a side. NEXT!

Braised pork: Braised pork with a bacon and chihuahua cheese stuffed potato coquette, haricot vert and charred tomato sauce – $21.

Braised pork - bleh

The meat was unseasoned as the pork tasted as it was braised in a pot of water for an hour. As you can see, the sauce was used to cover up “seasoned” pork (if it at all seasoned). Yo Zack, suburban mom’s have made better braised pork with a crock pot…get in the game son!

Clearly not braised and not seasoned. Blah

Embarrassingly enough, your godzilla sized coquette was the same size as your pork. The advertised bacon was MIA and the delicate chihuahua cheese was lost in the fray of the burnt tomto sauce. Speaking of sauces, this sauce should not be spoken of ever again. Burn something else. Now unless Chef Bruell has some limp dick syndrome, these are NOT how his haricot verts were intended.

Isn't there a cure for limp dick syndrome?

Limp, soggy and cold – I’ve seen more wood at a nursing home! Of course contrast is definitely nice, but again, timing is key in plating…and the expiditer should be held accountable.

Our dessert? We ordered ice cream and hose made sorbet. After what seemed to be 25 minutes, our waitress casually walked back and informed me that they have run out of vanilla ice cream. I said to her not to worry and cancel the order. She exclaimed that they have already plated the guava.

***Ice cream break: How can you run out of vanilla ice cream? WTF peeps?!!?!??! Cold hard fact-vanilla ice cream is still the most popular flavor ordered.***

I again said to cancel the dessert order. Her offer of free cup of coffee was nice.

Our waitress was incredibly friendly, but needed an assist from Boobs McGee (the Manager) when figuring our bill. Sheeeesh.

But in true form, since Table 45 has not updated their twitter since July 12, 2010 or his TBL45 blog on December 14th, 2010, – I highly doubt that Zack or his team will read this within a month.

So raise a glass lads as I can now easily say that Table 45 likes it limp.

Reporting live from QuarryLaneFarms…

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